To the song "Stan" by Eminem -> (helps to know the tune...)

CHORUS:
My cables slow I’m wondering why, I had chose Telstra all
the morning traffic cloggs up my cables and I can't surf at all
And even if I could it'd still be slow, but your bill that’s on my wall
it reminds me that I should have gone, with Optus at home.
My cables slow I’m wondering why, I had chose Telstra all
the morning traffic cloggs up my cables and I can't surf at all
And even if I could it'd still be slow, but your bill that’s on my wall
it reminds me that I should have gone, with Optus at home.

VERSE 1:

Dear Telstra, I wrote you but you still ain't callin'
I left my name, IP address and complaint at the bottom
I sent two letters back in autumn
You must not have got 'em
It probably was a problem with the mail server or somethin'
Sometimes I misspell addresses to often when I’m lagging
But anyways, stuff it, what's been down man, how's your router?

My system's crashed too, "I'm out to get a new one"
If I get a new ISP, guess who I'm gonna sign up with? I'm gonna get Optus.
I read about your cable and ADSL speeds too, I’m angry!
I had a friend who killed himself over some bitch who had Telstra
I know you probably hear this everyday, but your service really sux
I even went around to look for some other service providers
I got a room with a hole on your wall for the cable
I hate the **** you did with capping too, that **** was BAD.
Anyways, I hope you get this man, e-mail me back, so I can blast you
Truly yours, your biggest threat, this is Dan.

CHORUS:
My cables slow I’m wondering why, I had chose Telstra all
the morning traffic cloggs up my cables and I can't surf at all
And even if I could it'd still be slow, but your bill that’s on my wall
it reminds me that I should have gone, with Optus at home.

VERSE 2:
Dear Telstra, you still ain't called or e-mailed, I hope you have the guts.
I so mad that I just think it's f***** up you don't answer complaints.
If you didn't want to give me offers you didn't have to
but you could of at least given me a reasonable download speed
That’s my main complaint, I’m a little pissed.
Even the cable guy to install your **** didn't show until the next day
We waited in the blistering cold for you for 4 hours and you just said no
That’s pretty ****ty man, your also a phone provider
Your wasting all your money on ads featuring thorp
but it seems thorp likes you more that I do.

I’m not mad though, and I just don't like bein' lied to
Remember when we talked on the phone, you said if I write to you
You would write back. See, I'm just like you in a way.
I never knew real service.
I always used to get disconnected and flooded on dial-up.
I can relate to what you're sayin' in your network errors.
So when I have a ****ty day online, I drift away from your internet
Cause I don't really got **** else,
cause you let me down when I need to check my e-mail
I even got a tattoo that’s says "TELSTRA SUX" on my chest.
Sometimes I don't even go on the net to see you suffer.
It's like adrenaline. The lack of service for you
is such a sudden rush for me

See, everything you say is bull****, and I don't respect you when you tell it.
My girlfriend's pissed to 'cause I talk about how much I hate you 24/7.
But she don't know how much I hate you man, no one does.
She don't know what it was like for people like us using Telstra
You've gotta call me man. I'll be the biggest customer you'll ever lose.
Sincerely yours, Dan. PS: If I find you I will strangle you

CHORUS:
My cables slow I’m wondering why, I had chose Telstra all
the morning traffic cloggs up my cables and I can't surf at all
And even if I could it'd still be slow, but your bill that’s on my wall
it reminds me that I should have gone, with Optus at home.

VERSE 3:
Dear Mr. "I'm too good to call or write my cans"
This'll be the last mail I ever send your ass.
It's been six months and still no word. I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two letters, I wrote the addresses on 'em perfect.

So this is my letter I'm sending you. I hope you read it.
I'm on the computer right now. I'm doing illegal **** on the information freeway.
Hey Telstra, "I drank a fifth of vodka, ya dare me to surf?"
You know that song by Eminem from "Marshall Mathers LP?"
About that guy who could have saved that other guy from
drowning in warez site ads?
But didn't? Then Phil had the restart his computer because it was jammed?
That's kinda how this is. You could have rescued me from
flooding and given me good speeds but now its too late.

I'm on a thousand downers now, I'm drowsy.
And all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call.
I hope you know I ripped your cable right out of my wall.
I loved you Telstra the first time I had you installed,
and we could have been together think about it.
You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it.
And when you dream, I hope you can't sleep and you scream about it.
I hope your conscious eats at you and you can't breathe without me.
See Telstra, {screaming} shut up bitch, I'm trying to type
Hey Telstra, that's my girlfriend screaming in the closet.
But I didn't slit her throat, I just tied her up, with your cable
See I ain't like you giving crappy **** about how good our speeds are
Cause if she suffocates, she'll suffer more, and then she'll die too.

Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the 3GB!! Limit now.
Oh ****, I forgot, how am I supposed to send this **** out?
{Hits the computer gets electrocuted and the girlfriend chokes on the cable}

CHORUS:
My cables slow I’m wondering why, I had chose Telstra all
the morning traffic cloggs up my cables and I can't surf at all
And even if I could it'd still be slow, but your bill that’s on my wall
it reminds me that I should have gone, with Optus at home.

VERSE 4:
Dear Dan, I meant to write you sooner, but we just been busy.
You said your connections slow now, what actual speed do you download at?
Look, we're really flattered you had joined with the Bigpond crew
And here's a discount for your bill: I wrote it on your first statement.
I'm sorry the cable guy didn't see you outside your house,
he must have missed you.
Don't think he did that **** intentionally, just to diss you.
And what's this **** you said about you like to change ISP's too,
I say that **** just clownin' dawg, c'mon, how f***** up is you?

You got some issues, Dan, I think you need some counsellin'
To help your ass from bouncin' off the walls when you get slow surfing speeds.
And what's this **** about us meant to be a better provider?
That type of ****'ll make us not want to uncap our cables.
I really think we need each other (for our profits only).
Or maybe we just need to treat you better (hmmm nah).

I hope you get to read this letter.
I just hope it reaches you in time.
Before you disconnect from us,
let us remind you there is a disconnection fee
If you'd relax a little we're sure downloading should speed up, but Dan
Why are you so mad? Try to understand we do want you as a customer.
We just don't want you to do some crazy ****.

We seen this one **** on the news a couple weeks ago that made us sick.
Some dude was drunk and punched his computer and got electrified
And had his girlfriend in the closet and she had our cable rapped around her neck
And in our crashed mail server they found a letter but it didn't say who it was to
Come to think about it...his name was...it was you. DAMN!
(Oh well one less customer to give us ****)